sans sushi

what can a pregnant bitch DO to get rid of a headache?
why couldn't i be knocked up in the fifties? sheesh.
i'm about to kill a sucka for a smoke and some sushi.

gooney goo goo

whoever it was that found me by googling "asshole fucks", you fucking made my day.

34DD

and growing...

an old man and old lady you know - an installment

Old Man Knock Me Down and Old Lady Knock Me Up loved to sit stooped over and smoke and sass each other and hex everyone they knew. They cursed and laughed and twirled their ringlets smoky with dew until the cats choked fiberglass. One day Dr. Natura said KAPOW! OH-OH-OH! BLAM! and Young One Sit Down showed up and there was no more smoking for Knock Me Up and limited smoking for Knock Me Down. Old Lady cursed and spat jealous teeth at Old Man but still there was no smoking for Knock Me Up cos Young One was watching in lifted belly. Soon Old Lady was tired all the time and suspected Old Man had impregnated her with Mexicans cos she craved burritos more than the Colonel's chicken.
Old Lady liked to blame Old Man because it was easier than accepting responsibility so she threw her shoes at him nightly.
It was fun but then Old Man stopped sassing her and smoked in private. So she stopped. And yelled at the cats instead.

old

signs that you're an old fuck:


you sell your sweet-ass redline bmx for a road bike

you get married

you start pricing vegetables at the farmer's market

you start drinking at home rather than at bars

one word: cankles

you begin building an arsenal of favorite movies, t.v. shows and books from your childhood, so your future family will know who the fuck etrayu, snuffleupagus, and aslan really are

you start sounding like your mother

you hoof it to and through hunter's point to sell your gorilla biscuits tickets, just cos you don't wanna deal with the kids

Ipod Shuffle is clairvoyant: an experiment on how technology can read human minds

For the following poem, I set my ipod to shuffle, and rocked out with my [cock] pen out. I used a line or two from each song that played until the battery died.Would anyone care to venture guesses as to the title/ artist of these here lines?


ipod one

His old girlfriend is all you could ask for
It didn’t mean a thing
Stop along the way
It was always the same
You’re jumping someone else’s train

Blame it on the black star
Blame it on the falling sky
Ain’t got time to waste

Three days was the morning
Three lovers in three ways and big time sensuality
Let there be more light
Her daddy works in porno now that mama’s not around
Who’s in a bunker who’s in a bunker

I’ve seen too much haven’t seen enough
One million Americans die from cancer
Fuck you you fucking American

I can say what I want to even if I’m not serious
I get home from work and I’m just passing out
I cannot keep this way
So much a part of us
So much a part of this

You got to run run run run
Take a drag or two
Today we escape

We escape
You gotta put me on
You gotta put me on
I get it on the bus
I get it on the street and I get it from you

There goes my gun
There goes my gun
You got to lively up yourself when you’re feeling bad

Heaven’s gonna burn
Big ole jet airliner
Don’t carry me too far away
Gimme gimme shock treatment
I go through all this before you wake up

So long, Marianne
To an octopus’s garden in the shade
Better than nothing and nothing is better than this

We’re a happy family
I just called to say how much I care
It’s in our hands it always was
Stomach hurts and I don’t care
You splash me with beauty and pull me down

They will see us waving
My old man is a sleeper in the park
He left his wallet in township rebellion

Feeling very sober even though I’m drinking
So much trouble in the world
The caravan has all my friends
They’re not playing with my radio
Action must be taken

We don’t need the key we’ll break it
Maybe that spider knows
Something I don’t know cos I’m goddamn cold

See the faces frozen still
Let’s go out on red hill
Another suburban family morning
We have to shout above the din of our rice crispies
To bring you my love
To bring you my love